My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
