you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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