I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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