When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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