I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
