He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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