Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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