he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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