i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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