I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
