He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
