she woke up with a sticky ear
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
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I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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