I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Come share oat with me in your robe
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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