Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
