Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
