you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
