My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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