Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
