He passed out mid-signature
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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