ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
