And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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