u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
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I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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