Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
