I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
