pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
