i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
