Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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