I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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