the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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