i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
