Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?