i will never coherently bang her
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
