just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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