oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
