it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
