tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
