even my farts smell like vagina
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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