maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
