you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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