So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
