if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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