What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer