i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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