i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
