I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
