i may or may not be watching the land before time
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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