I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
