I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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