you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
