I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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