Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
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