the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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