I want to stick my p in your. b.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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