I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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