Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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